Ever have a sobering moment. You have your head in the clouds and reality comes and yanks you down to the ground...yep, just had that. The dude at work is two years younger than my mom, the other dude got some mad skills and thinks I'm stupid...as he should continue to think so. lol ;) Anyway, I'm gonna be closer to 30 next year and I'm still on pause...while all around me everyone flourishes. I need to stop comparing myself...but it's hard. Whatever, I'm me. I've got my life and now I'm committed to making it better. I got to because no one has my life but me. If I'm bitter and mad and don't make changes who's fault is it? Mines. I refuse to be like my grandmother who scape-goated everything and now doesn't have enough sense to wash her ass. Today, I feel like swearing off guys. Can't seem to meet the right one. My ideal guy doesn't want me. Honestly, I just want a cuddle buddy and someone I could spend the rest of my life with...I'm ready to settle down with an adventure man. But that's just today. lol Honestly, there may not be a man that can handle me. I gotta be more independent and not give a damn. If he come, he come, if he don't, I won't die. I can't. Weak women do that.

Loosing it. I'm loosing the way I've always thought and a new me is emerging. Like each change in my life, I don't like it, but hopefully this change will be good. The others haven't been. I use to handle a lot, but now, I'm not as tolerant. A very dark person has emerged but the sweet me is still alive. I don't get it. If I can't handle that, what man can? I use to always be helpful and when the person I was helpful to was't there for me, it didn't bother me. I expected that. Now, that kind of shit pisses me off...I no longer go the extra mile. Why? Are you worth it? Most people weren't and now, I only go the extra mile for those that are worth it. I go the extra mile for those I truly love...fuck everyone else. I use to be the person that allowed other people to talk crazy to me. I'd accept it. Now...you'll probably get the shit slapped out of you. A certain hardness has come about. Part of it's good, but part of it could be bad too. Whatever, I'm just gonna live. I'm gonna be better and hopefully, I'll see the girl in the mirror and truly love and be proud of her and not criticize her short comings so harshly.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/keeling-pilaro-male-field-hockey-player-banned-being-160713816.html

Basically it's an article about a boy who played for a girls hocky team and he's now banned because he's too good. 

My opinion: make the team a co-ed hocky team...duh.

My favorite comment: I think the dude's name was chuck and he was responding to a guy who was talking about how he was tired of this equality shit and that there should be co-ed showers and lockers rooms. He statement was, " As a teenager, I thought about co-ed locker rooms alot...I'll leave it at that."  LOL It wasn't his exact quote but basically.  I find that extremely funny.  lol :)

 

So, this is the rest of the last post.

Rule 1: Always have money to pay for your half of things. If he offers to pay let him, but don't let him pay for you all the time (unless the relationship gets real serious...engagement.)

Damnit. Bosses come around when you have your xanga up...so finish this later. lol

I've felt lonely today. One of my childhood associates got married today and I missed her wedding because I didn't get an invite. We haven't talked to each other in years so I'm not surprised or hurt about it. I'm happy for her and would've like to been there and could've came anyway but had other stuff going on today. Plus, we have the kind of acquaintance type relationship that just naturally links together when we are in the same place. It's like the years haven't passed. Interesting fact, I'm related to her. Her people owned part of my people and though one side of the family is black and the other white, they are definitely of the same family line. lol Even look alike and have drinking problems. :) Anyway...back to my reflection about today.

I felt lonely. None of my friends texted me, I don't have money to go out on the town (and honestly don't feel like it; truthfully, i"ve not been getting enough rest), I let a new friend down who probably doesn't trust me anymore...which is probably just me being dramatic...it's pms time...that's what's up. Ew. Guys truly don't know how awesome it is that they don't have to put up with this crap.

The good part of the day was spending time with mama. I saw an older lady in the audience at a play about Jesus. The lady had a cane and had a hard time walking. Her daughter ( a younger version of herself) had her by the arm and together they walked to the bathroom. At that moment, I got emotional and overwhelmed with love for my mom. I hope she never gets so gnarled by age. She needs to start taking vitamins and staying active. The old folk in my family have their full health and looks. The only ones that actually look their age are the ones that gave up. I want mama as young as possible and even if she gets old and needs a cane and has a hard time getting around, I want to be able to give her the care she needs. I'm only in my getting to be late 20s and mama is in her super early 50s...time's a bitch...but it can be a delightful bitch.

Thinking of her and time and life makes me think about the future. Something I try not to do because all I see is a grim reality for myself. I've always known but just now I'm reminded that our conclusion can be decided. We can have a good end to our lives or a sucky one in which we're never happy. I'd like to fight for a positive end. :)

I went to get taco bell. I ate it, I pulled off and this nigga was crossing the street. He stared at me for a bit, I looked back and went on down the street to my mom's house.  He was tall, black, mid-40s, dark jeans, black shirt, I think I saw a beard...not sure on that one, black shoes...walking all slow and shit starring.

This son of a bitch was still outside when our dog came out to piss. I was talking to my mom about a work situation on the porch and a loud pow goes off.  That nigga was standing there starring at us...son of a bitch shot at me.  He was targeting me because I was the one he was starring at in the first place. The pop went off right in front of me, but I didn't hear the bullet hit anything. As soon as it went off I dashed in the house with my mom....and got angrier and angrier...i still want to go over to his house and ask him why the fuck he shot at me...I want a gun for shit like this.  Course, I'm a McDaniel seed, bullets don't phase us at all. I just want to tell him not to miss next time....SON OF A BITCH!

 

In this area, if you call the police on someone, people pay for it dearly. Some unemployed bastards go after ya because, well, that's G. Lil Wayne and shits like that glamourize this life but it's hell.  It's hell not to be free and go where you please.  It's hell wondering if you're going to be the next person who doesn't get to go home.  It's hell for people like my family that ain't even caught up in that shit to have to live with one eye constantly on our back...living here made me a scary person, it's turned my brothers into niggas that you just should never fuck with....I'm out but my family is still in...it's times like these that I wish I had enough money to uproot everyone out but I can't...we have to take care of our ownselves...and we do a pretty damn good job of that.  Now, I can truly understand why the saying "nigga, you shoot at me, you bet not miss" was said....hell truly hath no fury than an innocent person who's been oppressed by some damn fools...tolerance just runs low...but what you gonna do? Definitely not end up in the same place they go...be on their level...no...you survive, remember, and move the fuck on....you forgive...but also make sure they know they can't fuck with you. (Insert angry face here).